Global Warming
Global Warming, like The Internets, is a complex consumer confidence scam put forth onto the American public by Al Gore and the Weather Channel. Al Gore claims that we will all die the day after tomorrow if we do not give him lots of money to invest into so-called "green" technologies. This is really an attack on Stephen Colbert because he knows the real threat we face — the bear uprising of 2012. Colbert knows the truth and Mr. Gore wants to silence this superior essays. History Origin of The Myth The global warming "theory" was created by a cabal of liberal secular climate scientists, who held a series of secret meetings with Al Qaeda to draw up the Ultimate Plan to Destroy American Civilization. With the help of nefarious forces such as bears, this Satanic coalition created a gigantic unholy edifice, the Scientific Establishment, whose aim was to discredit capitalism and facilitate a New World Order of Islamo-Communism — all by spreading the cruel lie of global warming. This Scientific Establishment then proceeded to create an oppressive hierarchy of inquisitors called the "IPCC",Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. 2007. IPCC Fourth Assessment Report (AR4). whose function was to spread the Word of Satan and burn disbelievers at the stake. The Movie that Wasn't a Movie This unchristian movement reached its peak when Al Gore created his anti-American "movie", An Inconvenient Truth. While this "movie" was in fact truth nothing more than a long Apple Macintosh Keynote PowerPoint presentation, it did succeed in scaring lots of little children into believing that they may die the next day. The "movie" also brainwashed many well-intentioned Americans into thinking that global warming is very real, that it is caused by carbon emissions from God-loving, capitalism-loving companies, and that Al Gore is a good man who will save everyone. Despite being only a fancy slideshow, the liberal elite in hollywood gave it an Oscar, while blatently snubbing 8 year old Cooper Anderson's show-and-tell titled How I spent my summer vacation. (Sidenote: Cooper had a fabulous summer!) The Satanic Church of Global Warmism And thus, global warming soon became a religion in its own right — a church! Al Gore was the pope and prophet of doom of this new church; the "IPCC" were its high priests and book-burners; and its street preachers were the Liberal Media and the hippie tree-huggers who continually chanted the false mantra of "global warming", and tried to foster guilt trips in you and me by showing pictures of innocent-looking furry animals and snazzy-looking tables and diagrams.2007. Bears Bear the Brunt of Global Warming. MotherJones Blog. This newly-formed Church of Global Warmism was very powerful indeed. Within a few months, it quickly rose in prominence to become one of the most well-known branches of the Church of Our Father Below. The godless sodomites of Babylon ignored the heavy snowfall in the east and gave An Inconvenient Truth a miniature golden idol for the tree-huggers of America to kneel down to. The Nobel Committee pledged their allegiance to Lucifer, by awarding a Nobel Prize jointly to the evil "IPCC" and Gore.Thus the Nobel Prize has absolutely no credibility whatsoever, except when it is awarded to patriotic citizens such as James Watson and William Hammesfahr. Even Christians were being conned into giving away all their money and worldly possessions to "help" the poor people "affected" by global warming. Meanwhile... Fortunately the forces of righteousness, led by Philip Morris and ExxonMobil, had not been slacking.The liberals, in typical treasonous fashion, have referred to Morris and ExxonMobil as fathers of a "denial industry": *Elisa K. Ong, and Stanton A. Glantz. 2001. Constructing "Sound Science" and "Good Epidemiology": Tobacco, Lawyers, and Public Relations Firms. American Journal of Public Health, 91(11):1749—1757. *George Monbiot. 2006. The Denial Industry. The Guardian. *2005. Put a Tiger In Your Think Tank. Mother Jones. With their powers of Sound Science,Note that Sound Science is totally different from Science, the latter being a pinko commie construct. they successfully found the Plain Truth about global warming, and also uncovered Gore's diabolical plan to create a Dictatorial World Government by selling carbon credits. Global Warming? What? Indeed, even before Al Gore made his treasonous "movie", the righteous forces had conducted a series of rigorous scientific experiments on global warming, and found that global warming does not actually exist. For one thing, the good scientists discovered that the so-called global warming "theory" was based merely on unholy things known as "climate models". The truthy truth, however, is that these "models" have been rigged to fit the actual historical climate in the first place, and even then the "models" do not fit the climate data at all! Truly, God is Great! Global Warming, Not Our Fault Not only did our righteous scientists find that global warming does not exist; they also found that global warming does exist, and the main cause is not carbon emissions from American companies; more precisely, they found that the main cause of global warming is views!]] *the sun; *the cows; *China and India; *terrorists and Saddam Hussein;Russell Coker. 2007. War is Bad for the Environment. *Al Gore; *liberalism;Dave Semeniuk. 2007. Divorce Your Spouse, Harm The Environment — or — "How an English King Killed The Planet 500 Years Ago". Terry*. and *tree-huggers.John Quiggin. 2007. Prins and Rayner on Kyoto. Crooked Timber. In summary, each and every one of the above has been found to be the true culprit responsible for global warming which does not exist. (This may seem contradictory to a factonista, but recall that the Lord God works in mysterious ways.) Furthermore, in December 2006, the planet started to grow cold, and this resulted in snow forcing many airports, notably Denver's, to close. The very existence of winter shows that not only is global warming not occurring, but that an ice age has settled in. Global Warming is Good! What is more, the forces of righteousness found that global warming — which does not exist — is actually an extremely good thing: *More money in ExxonMobil's pockets means more jobs for everyone.All else being equal. Which will definitely not be the case, but do not tell anyone that. *Burning of fossil fuels creates massive amounts of carbon dioxide, and plants love carbon dioxide. *Fewer polar bears at the North Pole means more land for Americans to live and work and play golf in. *Rising temperatures mean more warm places to vacation in, and more tanning days. *A melting icecap and the resulting rise in sea level lifts all boats! This may contradict the thesis that global warming is caused by liberalism, and liberalism is bad. However, it can quickly be seen that global warming is only beneficial when caused by patriotic Americans; global warming caused by liberals, on the other hand, is always harmful. The Empire of God Strikes Back: The Great Global Warming War The First Epic Battle Anyway, with the release of Gore's "movie", the forces of righteousness had to act fast. And they did — Praise the Lord! Using the arcane skills of the truthitician-necromancer, they amassed a mighty army of 400 scientists to wage war against Gore and the "IPCC". Alas, the 400 scientists were defeated by a couple of hippie liberals.2007. 400 Prominent Scientists Dispute Global Warming — Bunk. DeSmogBlog. The Second Epic Battle In the first epic battle, the righteous side learnt that necromancy was not a very good technique, and in any case it was not particularly Christian. Therefore, for the second Global Warming Battle, they instead gathered a legion of 100 men, who were anointed personally by God as climate scientists. This turned out to be another victory for the forces of evil.2007. 100 discredited, self-interested and/or deluded "scientists" question climate change. DeSmogBlog. The Third Epic Battle Truly, the climatology credentials granted by God were powerful, but still not enough to overcome the credentials of Satan's legions. For the third battle, the righteous side sent out a legion of 4 climate scientists — Douglass, Pearson, Singer, and Christy.D. H. Douglass, J. R. Christy, B. D. Pearson, and S. F. Singer. 2007. A comparison of tropical temperature trends with model predictions. International Journal of Climatology. Unfortunately, the brave scientists were burnt at the stake for various scientific technicalities which none of us should need to know about.2007. Tropical tropospheric trends. RealClimate.''Richard Littlemore. 2007. Singer's Deniers Misrepresenting New Climatology Journal Article. ''DeSmogBlog. The Fourth Epic Battle After the sacrifice of the four scientists, the forces of good — following the example of freedom-loving Galileo — decided to wipe out the sinful theory of global warming by invoking the power of American law. This power, however, never materialized.Tim Lambert. 2007. Steve McIntyre and the Data Quality Act. Deltoid. The Fifth Epic Battle At this point, in came a knight in shining armor to rescue the individualist damsels in distress — The Skeptical Environmentalist, a chivalrous book by truthitician Bjørn Lomborg.Kevin Berger. 2007. Bjørn Lomborg feels a chill. The Salon. Lomborg's book challenged Gore's "movie" to a duel; the result, alas, was that Lomborg lost the duel, though this was probably because the duel was adjudicated by the treasonous knave Kåre Fog.Kåre Fog. 2008. Bjørn Lomborg versus Al Gore. Lomborg-errors. 2008 — A New Generation of Godly Warfare The 2008 International Conference on Climate Change In 2008, the forces of righteousness underwent a reorganization, assembled in New York City under the auspices of the Heartland Institute, and rebranded themselves as the defenders of .Kevin Grandia. 2008. DeSmog on the Ground for Denial-a-palooza. DeSmogBlog.''National Wildlife Federation. 2008. Liveblogging the Heartland Institute's Global Warming Denier Conference. ''Daily Kos. This courageous act shows the world that the great armies of ExxonMobil are here to save the day, and that they are prepared to defend reality to the death against the onslaught of the evil factists, fact-huggers, and factonistas! During this historic event, known as the "2008 International Conference on Climate Change", participants exercised their patriotic duty by launching freedom-loving attacks against Al Gore and the Treasonous Left. Indeed, this conference was of such a historic, epic scale, that none could fail to remember its key message: Revenge of the Tithe This, however, did nothing to stop the forces of Stalinism, who quickly responded with a Satanic paper claiming that the world must completely stop carbon emissions within decades in order to stop global warming.H. D. Matthews and K. Caldeira. 2008. Stabilizing climate requires near-zero emissions. Geophysical Research Letters. Even though their work is based on "climate models" — which automatically means it is wrong — the Mainstream Media still decided to run it!Juliet Eilperin. 2008. CO2 output must cease altogether, studies warn. Washington Post. This clearly shows that the Liberal Media Fear Engine is in cahoots with the Satanic Church of Global Warmism to suppress debate! A Devastating Truth About Cap-and-Trade! At this moment, the soldiers of righteousness discovered a shocking, earth-shattering truth: they found that the liberals' "carbon cap-and-trade" proposal to stop "global warming" is actually... a tax! David Roberts. 2008. Eco:nomics: Presidential energy advisers, miscellania. Gristmill.''David Roberts. 2008. Eco:nomics: Presidential energy advisors. ''Gristmill. A few days later, Democrat Governor Kathleen Sebelius suppressed a bill to build two freedom-loving coal power plants in Kansas, `explaining' thatNicole Corcoran. 2008. [http://www.governor.ks.gov/news/NewsRelease/2008/nr-08-0321a.htm Sebelius prevents and reduces pollutants with veto, executive order.] Coincidence? Definitely not: this chain of events proves conclusively that that liberal pinkos are trying to steal our freedoms and bring death and destruction to America! Remember, taxation is death!David Roberts. 2007. It can be done. Gristmill.You didn't see anything. And the Struggle Continues While the forces of justice are currently at a disadvantage, we all know that with God's help, the tides will turn, and the great ExxonMobil will emerge victorious. God Bless America! The Science of Global Warming Global warming is a subject of science, and as such it involves complex-looking figures and equations such as \mathrm{E}X = \mu and big words such as "troposphere", "radiosonde", and "anthropogenic". Therefore, the best way to understand the research done on global warming is to read about the work of scientists filtered through *the brains of politicians such as Gore and Inhofe; followed by *the brains of industry journalists such as TechCentralStation;The Editors. 'The Lie After Tomorrow'. The Poor Man. followed by *the brains of, well, newspaper journalists; and finally *your gut. Indeed, after this rigorous scientific process, you will realize that the so-called global warming "theory" can easily be refuted with a simple theorem. Theorem: God is Still Up There This theorem, due to Senator Inhofe,Faiz. Inhofe: Don't Worry About Global Warming Because `God's Still Up There'. Think Progress. uses sound principles of Aristotlean logic to refute global warming. The proof requires the following lemma: :Lemma Ω: God exists.The Greek letter Ω is used here to give the proof an aura of gravitas. This lemma is proven as follows: :Premise: God is great. :Premise: If God does not exist, then He is not great. :Conclusion: Therefore, God exists. With this lemma in place, we can now lay out Inhofe's theorem: :Premise: God is great. :Lemma Ω: God exists. :Premise: If God allows global warming to destroy the earth, then He is not great. :Conclusion: Nixo facto, God will not allow global warming to destroy the earth. :Conclusion: Therefore, we need do nothing about global warming.Note however that this reasoning does not apply to the War On Terror. Even though God will not let terrorists destroy our Free World, it is still our duty, our imperative, to actively fight Terror. And the global warming scam is of course a kind of Terror, which is why we must actively fight it. Even if God is still up there. Which means... :Conclusion: Global warming is a myth. QED. Footnotes See Also * All The Science Is Not In * Climategate * Yes, Climategate * Let me repeat that: Climategate! * Did I say Climategate? * CLIMATEGATE!!!!!!!!!! CLIMATEGATE CLIMATEGATE CLIMATEGATE CLIMATEGATE CLIMATEGATE CLIMATEGATE CLIMATEGATE CLIMATEGATE!!!!!!! * The Competitive Enterprise Institute, which creates patriotic advertisements combating the Warmism Scam * Indubitable Doubt * Global Climate Change, which is totally different from global warming * Pre-emptive Inaction * Ron Paul, who is absolutely right when he talks about global warming * Sourciness * Teach The Controversy * The Convenientest Truth * Tobacco, a subject closely related to global warming * Wikiality.com Study Group Research Study Group * Greenpiss * Miss Liberal's Global Warming Points * Pre-emptive Action — good for fighting terrorists, but bad (indeed, evil) for global warming * Statistics, used by liberals to "prove" global warming * The Age of Stupid External Tubes Know Thy Enemy * Skeptic Arguments — anti-ExxonMobil propaganda ostensibly in the form of "debunkings"; obviously written by traitors * "Global warming" on SourceWatch, another anti-American web site * Andrew Dessler thinks he can manage the earth's climate better than ExxonMobil the Wizard of Oz * Sylvia Tognetti has a problem with free speech * Horatio Algeranon writes pinko poetry * John Mashey is a Nazi * It's not over, shut up * Dirty islander hippies and pork-barrel carbon offset marketers try to destroy America's economy *Ian Sample hates free speech and free money * Mike De Souza launches a witch-hunt against freedom-loving group Friends of Science * A talk on "The American Denial of Global Warming", by eco-jihadist suicide bomber Naomi Oreskes * Peterson, Connolley, and Fleck are fat * James Annan is also fat, and wants to get fatter *Global Warming evil liberal plot to destroy our tea In ExxonMobil God We Trust * [http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/mscp/ene Energy and Environment] — the Free World's leading source of skeptical science! * Nexus 6 now offers lessons on how to be an outstanding ! Lessons 1 and 2, and 3! * At long last, something that is not just a theory, but a [http://laanta.blogspot.com/2008/03/gores-law.html scientific law!] *Global Warming wont kill kitties *God's contract promises no more flooding. In your face, hippies! *Koch Science proves Global Warming is a Myth. DO NOT SEE SOURCE * Green Hosting Reviews — the very existence of this site clearly shows that global warming is nothing to worry about! * N2O release from agro-biofuel production negates global warming reduction by replacing fossil fuels (or not) — All Hail Oil! * Food or Fuel? When in doubt, do nothing! *The Official Tube of the InterTubes! The Islamic-Communist-Chinese-Hoax Connection * The Axis of Evil Newest Hoax: Global Warming * Mooslim plot to destroy America's Finances with Global Warming * Global Warming and the Pakistani lie * Another liberal lie * Tree-hugging hippies exploiting Pakistan's misery * and more lies *Even Canada thinks Global Warming is a hoax!